Question that turns any argument in your favor or stops your date from souring revealed by scientists

As Valentine's Day approaches, researchers may have discovered the best way to avoid an awkward date night argument by simply asking one question.

A team at Stanford found that even if someone disagrees with you, asking them 'Can you tell me more about why you think that?' makes them view you more positively.

The research suggested that the person being asked the question feels less negativity, becomes more open-minded to opposing viewpoints, and even sees those holding conflicting opinions more favorably.

Using experiments where over 100 university students were confronted with differing viewpoints, either during an online chat or while watching a video, researchers discovered that simply 'feeling heard' sparked more positivity and interest. 

Even if the two people never agree on a specific topic, asking someone to lay out the key points of their argument made participants feel like someone was interested in their opinion.

On a date, especially early ones in a new relationship, differences in opinions can pop up fast. These can range from different tastes in movies to more serious debates over partisan politics.

However, the research suggested that, instead of just immediately sharing why you think the opposite, ask your date a similar question, such as 'I'd love to hear more about what draws you to that.'

This shows you're interested in them as a person, not just trying to prove a point, making the conversation flow better, and leading them to view you more positively as a potential partner.

Researchers Frances Chen, Julia Minson, and Zakary Tormala ran multiple experiments with college students who expressed strong opinions on various topics and vocally disagreed with an opposing message. 

In one experiment, 56 undergraduates who all opposed requiring comprehensive final exams for graduation were invited to the Stanford lab in 2009.

Participants were placed in private rooms, rated their views on school policies, and then engaged in a scripted online chat with a computer-generated partner who supported the exams. 

When researchers tested how showing interest affected each student, the chat partner's response included a question such as 'I was interested in what you’re saying. Can you tell me more about how come you think that?'

Meanwhile, the control group only had the student and chatbot exchange arguments, but no questions about the differing viewpoints.

Students who received questions about their opinions rated their partner as more open-minded, felt more receptive to the opposing view themselves, and viewed typical supporters of the policy less negatively.

'Parties in conflict, from warring nations to angry spouses, often experience frustration during dialogue, not only because of substantive differences in views, but also because they feel that the other party has not listened in a genuinely interested manner,' the team wrote in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology.

'Even when opposing parties are reluctant to express agreement with each other, the sense that grievances were noted and taken seriously can be a meaningful outcome.' 

In a separate study conducted by scientists from Israel and the UK in 2020, when one person displayed 'high-quality listening,' it was found to help reduce prejudice or biased attitudes in the person who was speaking and being listened to.

High-quality listening was described as being fully engaged, paying close attention, and showing understanding through acts like nodding or asking thoughtful follow-up questions.

Researchers tested this idea across three experiments involving 952 participants and concluded that high-quality listening conveyed genuine interest and respect to the speaker.

The study, also published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, discovered that good listening boosted two specific traits in the speakers: self-insight (a deeper understanding of their own thoughts, feelings, and biases) and openness to change (a greater willingness to reconsider their views).

When it comes to dating and new relationships, the research suggested that responding with genuine, high-quality questions, even to the most biased opinions, can build trust and intimacy far better than debating or dismissing a date's view immediately.

For example, if a date says something biased, the research suggested resisting the urge to fire back with the opposite opinion and, instead, show curiosity without judgment by saying, 'I'm really interested, can you explain what experiences shaped that feeling for you?'

Then, employ high-quality listening skills by reflecting on what you hear and avoid interrupting their response.

The studies found that these acts can create an environment where the other person feels valued, which often leads them to open up more, like you more, and possibly even question their own assumptions quietly.