Revealed: What NOT to say when consoling the bereaved, according to scientists

In a time of mourning, our words have the power to comfort a bereaved family member or friend - or to inflame their grief.

According to a new study, well-intentioned but hurtful comments following the death of a child can be especially memorable. 

To better understand the potential of consoling words to heal or harm, social work researchers at Trent University Durham in Ontario, Canada, and Wichita State University in Kansas, US, interviewed 20 bereaved parents and 11 service providers.  

These interviews revealed some of the best and worst things you can say to someone who is grieving the loss of a child.

Among the things you should not say when consoling the bereaved: suggestions that they should get over their loss more quickly, comparisons to your own losses that were quite different than theirs, and religious-based reassurances that don't match with the person's beliefs.

'You'll get better,' 'Get over it,' and 'Move on' were some of the unhelpful suggestions reported by parents. 

These unhelpful comments suggest that bereavement is a recovery or healing process with a specific end point, the authors wrote. And while people may move through different phases of grief, experts tend to agree that it is not a linear process. 

Pain may lessen over time, but it can also come flooding back at seemingly random moments.

There is usually not a specific time point when a bereaved parent 'should' have recovered, which can make some of the reported comments especially hurtful: 'You'll be a lot better once you get through Christmas,' '[You will] get over it in three months,' and 'It's been six months, aren't you better yet?'

Inappropriate comparisons were unhelpful, too, the bereaved parents reported: 'I know what you're going through 'cause I lost my mother,' or 'I've gone through this too.'

Such comparisons may be meant to find common ground, but they can also seem to minimize the person's feelings.

Depending on a person's beliefs, they may find comfort in religious statements. If a grieving parent is not very religious, though, these comments can be unhelpful or hurtful.

Some examples of unintentionally hurtful religious statements included: 'It was God's will,' 'God wanted another angel,' and 'God never gives you anything that you can't handle.'

In addition to collecting reports from parents, the study authors also examined the contents of 170 sympathy cards to try to better understand where people might get their bad ideas from.

They specifically looked at the text of Hallmark cards, because of the company's dominance as a North American greeting card seller.

Analyzing the cards by keywords revealed some common themes, based on how often the keywords were mentioned: expressions of sympathy or sorrow for the bereaved (94 times), the sender holding the bereaved in their thoughts (73 times), variations on prayers or praying (48 times), God supporting the bereaved (53 times), and the deceased child being with God (11 times).

Fifteen cards also mentioned that there were no words to adequately express the feelings.

Notably, the words 'death' and 'died' never appeared. 

Mentions of time did appear quite often, though. In fact, the study authors found an 'overwhelming emphasis' on time, indicating 'two distinct time periods (a sad time and a time of peace).' Only six times did the cards mention that grieving can take a long time.

This emphasis on passing through grief and into peace seems to connect with people's insensitive comments about getting over a child's death, the authors wrote.

The study not only examined what not to do, but also what people can do to help a loved one who is grieving a loss. Though the interview subjects were grieving parents, these findings could apply more broadly.

'Bereaved parents who had support from family, friends, spouses, and/or employers spoke about how important that support was for them,' the researchers wrote. 'Responses showed that for many bereaved parents who did not have such support, they felt very isolated and lonely.'

Sometimes the most helpful support was logistical, not strictly emotional. 

It helped for friends, coworkers, and family members to pitch in on daily duties like childcare and cooking, the grieving parents interviewed for the study said.

'Overall, what was helpful included: reassurance, normalizing, being there, encouragement and support, and others being non-judgmental,' the study's authors wrote. 

Parents reported feeling supported by loved ones staying on the phone with them, or simply sitting with them while they cried - without trying to get them to stop.

For grieving parents who worked, returning to their jobs tended to help. There they found comfort in supportive coworkers and a daily routine. 

In the case of parents who did not work, some described creating other types of routine for themselves.

Peer-support services were also helpful places for grieving parents to go to have their feelings validated, 'allowing them to see that what they were feeling was not abnormal, helping them to not feel so alone, and providing them with an opportunity to talk about their child when everyone else in their world had 'moved on' and expected them to have moved on as well.'

As far as helpful things to say, the study authors recommended that, instead of emphasizing a time of healing, to focus on the person's 'continuing bond' with the deceased. 

This continuing bond idea proposes 'that individuals in the grieving process hold the deceased in loving memory, maintaining an inner representation of the deceased long after they have passed,' they wrote. 

Rather than denying death, 'we consider such phrases to be indicative of a continuing bond that is a critical component of arriving at and maintaining peace.'

As for religious statements, the study authors did not recommend against them altogether. Rather, 'it is important that the card giver consider the religiosity of the bereaved person as well as the context of the death.' 

The study appeared in the Journal of Death and Dying.