Subtle signs your partner is secretly miserable

Happiness can be identified through laughter, smiles and whimsical conversation, but misery may be harder to spot due to people strategically masking their despair.

Fortunately, psychologists have revealed how subtle signs like claiming to be 'too busy,' acting 'overly cheerful,' struggling with insomnia and more may secretly indicate their quiet, hidden despair. 

Humans are a social species, like our fellow primates, and a growing body of research indicates strong community bonds are integral to our mental health and well being. 

So, if you've heard someone you know decline too many social outings with 'I’d love to, but I'm swamped,' or 'That sounds great, but I'm too busy with work,' you might want to take a second look for other signals that they might be struggling in silence.

Experts also pointed to seemingly unrelated actions like skipping too many meals, extreme energy swings, painful 'joking' self-criticisms and self-deprecating humor and unexplained bouts of illness all as signs of a lonely mental health crisis.  

'Physical symptoms are common in depression,' according to Dr Madhukar Trivedi, a psychiatry professor at the University of Texas Southwest Medical School in Dallas.

'In fact, vague aches and pain are often the presenting symptoms of depression.'

Below are some of the top subtle signs to look for to, if you suspect someone you know is secretly miserable — and the science behind why they work.

1.Complain about aches and pains

According to Dr Trivedi, symptoms like chronic joint pain, limb pain, back pain and even gastrointestinal problems can all be signs of undiagnosed depression.

'A high percentage of patients with depression who seek treatment in a primary care setting report only physical symptoms,' he noted in an early study into the phenomenon, 'which can make depression very difficult to diagnose.'

What Dr Trivedi found was that there is a deep biological connection between  physical pain and depression because both are governed by the neurotransmitters serotonin and norepinephrine.

'Physical symptoms are very common and increase the likelihood of relapse,' he said.

In other words, the physical symptoms of despair can linger after the psychological symptoms decrease, sometimes dragging a person back into a depression relapse.

2.Experience fatigue or energy level swings

One study led by King’s College London's Institute of Psychiatry in the UK found that there was 'significant overlap between fatigue and psychiatric disorders.'

The overlap was not perfect, however, with about 7.4 percent of their 201 study participants reporting the emergence of fatigue with any mental health issue alongside it, like depression or anxiety.

In other words, while this symptom could be a subtle sign, it is not the strongest signal of secret despair all by itself.

3. Act overly cheerful or show forced smiles

A 2019 review combining multiple past psychological studies in India found a connection between repressed emotions, unusually chipper behavior and health issues related to depression.

'Expressing one’s true emotions and the feelings is crucial to physical health, mental health, and general well being, while a reliance on concealment gives rise to a barrier to good health,' the study's authors reported.

The researchers said multiple studies arrived at the same finding: that about 80 percent of all medical doctor visits were actually physical symptoms caused by underlying emotional and social issues ('socio-emotional challenges').

Just 16 percent of doctor visits related to an actual physical ailment of any kind.  

'Continual repression brings about stress on individuals making use of it,' they said, which may reveal itself to friends and family in strained, pained fake smiles. 

4. Skip or forget to eat at meals

While you might think of this meal-skipping friend or loved one as simply scatterbrained or busy, many unhappy individuals unknowingly struggle with eating due to their intense emotions.

A 2016 study published in the American Journal of Psychiatry noted that changes in appetite are common among people with depression and can result in either an increase or decrease in appetite. 

The study followed 48 adult volunteers between 20-50 years of age, divided into depressed over-eaters, depressed under-eaters and 'control' subjects with no issues.

The researchers found parts of the brain that made the depressed participants react differently even to just pictures of food: the orbitofrontal cortex, ventral striatum, and ventral pallidum.

Functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) test have shown that the orbitofrontal cortex is key to 'food reward' — activating neurons related to the sight, smell, taste and texture, but only when a person is hungry and the food is a true. 

5. Suffer from insomnia or bad sleep

'Sleep issues are common after a traumatic experience,' according to psychiatrist Dr Alex Dimitriu.

Some individuals experience delayed reactions to their traumatizing events, manifesting depression, fatigue, nightmares and other sleep disorders long after the events themselves.

'Trauma can affect sleep architecture, which means that it can change how the body moves through sleep cycles and stages,' Dr Dimitriu said.

So, you may want to check in on other aspects of a friend, coworker or family member's life if they are persistently reporting sleep issues. It might be more than a neighbor's barking dog or too many screens before bed. 

6. Isolate themselves and are 'too busy' to socialize

A 2020 study published in Frontiers in Psychology revealed that poor work-life balance might be masking lower levels of happiness. 

While emotional exhaustion and unhealthy habits contribute to this decline in well-being, like neglecting exercise and eating poorly, sometimes all that work is avoiding tough emotions outside of the office.

If you are noticing this trend in someone you know, it's important to encourage breaks and self-care. Perhaps suggest a day off to recharge or a fun activity to help them regain their balance and change their outlook.

7. Make painful 'jokey' self-criticisms

False modesty can have real consequences, according to research in the Journal of Affective Disorders.

At team at Central China Normal University found that there was a strong link between such self-deprecating behavior and negative psychological outcomes as discovered in a survey of 5,503 Chinese youth between the ages of 15–29 years old. 

A related 2016 study found that there was a connection the self-doubt, 'imposter syndrome' and other mental states that lead to self-deprecating humor and 'anxiety, depression, [and] psychological distress.'